Sometimes the thoughts in my head seem to take over my body, to take over my life. Sometimes I just feel like I can't stop the churning. Then the little thoughts and ideas all spin together and become a big, overwhelming ball of too much.
Sometimes I just don't feel like I can handle it all. I have days like yesterday, when I woke up overwhelmed for no good reason. The day's events sound relaxed and pleasant: breakfast at New Seasons to give Cora her coveted bagels, music with Tallulah's Daddy, and then calming tricks for me during naptime. Mellow music on Pandora, a steaming mug of chamomile tea, a warm bath. Nothing was helping. I even splurged on a solo outing while Cora had a date with her Daddy at the pool. I was dropping Rescue Remedy like water, but nothing seemed able to stop the anxieties from overwhelming me.
But today is a new day. Today I feel calm. Today we took Cora to a lovely friend's birthday party, where she hid from everybody and then had a good time rocking out when a great kid's musician played. Today I am relaxed on the couch with my laptop, thinking about a trip to the park.
Why is today so different from yesterday? Why do I feel like a human today, when yesterday the world kept trying to eat me alive?
Some days the world seems too big. Things like thinking about preschools and helping Cora deal with other children, orchestrating her schedule, and making a thousand little decisions; it always feels like there are such big repercussions for it all.
Sometimes Down syndrome feels too big. Sometimes the blog posts I want to read just send me into my cycles of stress and worry. Some days I just can't keep up. Some days the ideas and perspectives, successes and not-yet-successes I see on Facebook just make me want to hide from it all. Sometimes I just want to hide and stop all the spinning, all the churning, all the mess in my head.
And some days the world seems bright, the perspectives enlightening, my daughter inspiring. So glad today is one of those days.
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| The best inspiration. |
I agree! Vada, my daughter, is and can be my greatest source for inspiration when everything else becomes overwhelming!
ReplyDeleteMe too, mama bear! Sometimes I just have to turn off all electronic devices and take some deep breathes. Life can be overwhelming. Parenting can be overwhelming. Down syndrome overwhelming. Hugs hugs hugs.
ReplyDeleteWish we lived closer so I could take you out for a cup of coffee:) Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI have felt this way many times! You're doing an awesome job. For what it's worth, I don't read a lot of the informative Down syndrome stuff out there. I just can't handle more than what's in front of me right now. I always feel so guilty that I'm not reading up on the next ten, twenty years, but when problems hit then I go read all of the scary articles and get really great ideas. Just one day at a time. Just one foot in front of another.
ReplyDeleteYes, I feel this push and pull all the time. It's just not easy and I think we will always have these ups and downs. At least we have this amazing community to help pull us through and to celebrate with us. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteLike Erin said I feel the push and pull from time to time too. And sometimes I need a break from everything Ds related. FB, blogs, pictures, news articles...And I just focus on the little 3 year old boy in front of me. Each day is different, and all we can do is go one day at a time :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad today's one of those days for you, too. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that, Leah. I will try harder to buffer you from the bigness that is caring for the Bean. I know that it gets difficult and I will be there for you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get days like that I am usually hormonal (premenstrual) and when I had thyroid problems I would also feel like that. So look after yourself, get some blood tests done, take vitamins etc.
DeleteAlso I find cutting back on input really good. Ban facebook! Huh I love life without it! And twitter, dont even go there. Fast path to neurosis I say!
Well thats my advice done. LOL. Take it or leave it, but also trust yourself and follow your path with your daughter and family. And find a good friend to have a cup of tea with on days like that...