Bittersweet

The other night I had a big realization.  It hit me as I was lying in the guest bed, trying to sleep (after  being lovingly kicked out of bed due to my marathon pregnancy-induced snoring sessions).  For the past couple months the days and weeks have been moving in slow motion.  Let me tell you, this pregnancy has been really rough on me, and having another two and a half months or so to go has been seeming like eternity.  But somehow that night, alone in bed, it dawned on me that I only had another couple months of being a mama to just Cora. 

Suddenly, the rest of this pregnancy felt like it would fly by in a flash, and I began to cry.  I mean, I really cried.  For probably an hour or so.  I felt like my heart was being pulled from my chest and that I was actually mourning a loss.  Of course I know that I am not going to be losing Cora when her little sister arrives, but somehow it felt that way right then.

For more than three years now, this little girl has been my entire life.  Everything I do revolves around her.  Most of the time it feels like everything I am revolves around her.  The life I lived before she was born seems so alien to me now.  My days and nights are of course different.  But even my thoughts, my conversations and my friends are different.  Everything in my life centers around the fact that I am Cora's mom, and that I spend my days and nights with this little girl.

And now I am realizing that that will all be changing.  I won't just be Cora's mom anymore.  I will have someone else there to share my focus, my energy, my thoughts, my attention and my love.

And somehow, the idea of sharing those things, despite how excited we are to welcome the new little one into our lives, felt like an enormous loss: a loss of the era of us as a twosome.

Little Sister, patiently waiting for her chance to get out.

As morning arrived, I found that much of my sadness had dissipated.  But my realization has pushed me to put things into perspective.  Even though this pregnancy isn't getting much easier, I am getting back the desire to soak up the rest of the moments that Cora and I get to share as a pair.  I am starting to release the guilt (and subsequent depression) I've been dealing with as I've become less mobile and have not been able to be as active and involved with Cora as I would like.  I am working on being more present in our moments together, and not allowing myself to be stuck in the self-pity I've been building.

I am trying to enjoy the last months we have before the baby arrives.  Even though the days still feel long and I feel like I will be pregnant forever, I know that it won't really last.  I know that very soon we will be a family of four, and I am looking forward to expanding our lives with our mysterious impending arrival.  But I am acknowledging all the same that growth is bittersweet.