With my Girls

For some reason, this time around in the beginnings of parenting a new little person, I feel so much more aware of how fleeting everything is.

With Cora, at first I just wished time would fast forward and we could get through the hard parts without living it.  And it went so slow.  Until it didn't, and then time starting spinning by, and now look at my baby. 

With Ruby I feel like I want to absorb it all, even the hard parts.  I want to freeze time just a little longer and hold her sweet chubby baby self a little longer.  And I want to try and capture it.  Just tonight I told Nick that I want photos of me bouncing the two girls on the exercise ball, Ruby in her sling and Cora on my knee.  I have spent hours bouncing the two of them, to keep Ruby from screaming and because Cora wants in on the action.  And I realize that already I am needing to bounce less.  Before I know it I won't be bouncing them together.  Before I know it Ruby won't even fit in her sling.

And I want a photo of putting them down for naps, with each girl tucked under an arm.  I want a keepsake of these moments.  And it's so easy not to capture myself on camera.  I always hate how I look, hate how the photos turn out.  I think Nick must internalize my complaints, because he doesn't point the camera my way as often as he used to.  Looking through Cora's baby photos, it's surprising how few of them actually contain me, even though I lived with that girl attached at the hip for so long.

As long as the days feel, and despite the fact that every day I can't seem to wait until I am sitting on the couch with my girls sleeping in another room (which by the way is not looking like it's on the agenda tonight... as I currently am typing while balanced on the ball with Ruby in the sling), I still want to be able to pause and take it all in.  To click the shutter on the camera that's in my mind since I seldom have the hands free to grab the actual camera.

Maybe these thoughts will provoke more selfies with my phone instead of pretty pictures with blow-dried hair and camera-ready smiles.  We'll just have to see.