Wordless Wednesday

Happy 5 Month Day

Miss Cora is now 5 months old.  And all of a sudden, she seems so big.  I put her in her baby bathtub today and was shocked to see how much of it she now fills up.

At her weigh in today, she hit 12 pounds.  Wow!  She's getting to be such a big girl.  It is, of course, wonderful and exciting, but also sad, as I think any parent knows as they watch their baby grow older.

Today we went for a play date with some friends from one of my favorite online places, the Babycenter Down syndrome board.  We met up with little Brooklyn (9 months), Anthony (2 years) and Eloisa (6 weeks) and let the little ones eat, sleep and play while the mamas had some nibbles and chatted.  It was our first time to meet beautiful Eloisa, and we're excited to get together again soon with these new friends.

Cora and Brooklyn

Cora, Brooklyn and Anthony

Cora, Brooklyn, Anthony and Eloisa

Euphoria

 Lately I've found myself all a-twitter with the joys of being a mother.

And in a way, I keep waiting for the anticipated "realities" to set in.  Always one to research what it is I think I'm getting into, I read countless books on pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, as well as some on transitions into motherhood.  And I definitely expected to be challenged, emotionally, physically, spiritually and to have to revise my sense of self and my identity.

Now I know that it hasn't been all roses.  Perhaps my earlier posts emphasized a lot of the positives, but there was also a lot of pain, worry, fear and anxiety when in the throes of dealing with all Cora's health issues.  And now I think I may be in that euphoric state that's often described after childbirth, when you almost forget the pain.  You don't really forget, people say, but perhaps the pain just doesn't seem to matter much when you have your beautiful baby in your arms.

That's how I feel right now.  It's comical, in a way. Especially since I know that I didn't have a particularly easy delivery.  And I also know that Cora's first three months were much harder than my labor.

But I feel now like all that is fuzzy.  And even more than that, I recognize that the first few months have certainly influenced how I feel now.  It's like I'm in the honeymoon stage of mothering.  That after all that stress and all that worry, the day to day experiences feel like bliss.  I can't seem to get enough of my little girl.  I can't get over the strength of my emotions.  I can't really imagine wanting to do anything else.

And even so, I admit to having had a few moments recently when I've had hints of discomfort with Cora's Down syndrome.  I've had some instances of wondering if and when strangers will be able to "tell" and I've worried about starting to get pitying looks and comments.  I've watched adults with Ds and have worried about my girl's future.

But when I look at Cora, all I can see is Cora.  And she is doing so well right now.  Developmentally, she is largely on track.  Socially, she is a joy.  And her previous issues with feeding that were all-consuming are no longer plaguing us (at least not right now.)

As much as I know that we will experience speed bumps along the way, things feel so good right now.

When I sit down and think about it, questioning whether I'm steeped in denial, all I know for sure is that parenting happens day by day.  We don't know what the future will bring, but we do know how much we love our little girl.  When I feel worried, I just look at her and my concerns largely slip away.  Because we can't foresee the difficulties we or she may face.  But we can continue to love and support her now and take it step by step.  If that's naive, then so be it, for now.

Where are the Words?

 Where are the words that I'm looking for?  That remarkably powerful feeling of pleasure mingled with pain that fills my chest with an ever deepening ache.  The feeling I have when watching my daughter restlessly sleep, eyes closed and whining when she doesn't feel me next to her, only to calm with the presence of a weight beside her.

 Where are the words?

"Love" must be what I'm looking for.

But it feels so different from any love before.

I wonder if the feeling a baby has for her mother compares.  I don't remember the days when I was so inextricably intertwined with my own mother.  When I depended on her for everything.  I hope that a baby knows this feeling.  But perhaps she can't, quite.  Since a baby has no comparison, knows nothing else.

I, as an adult, know so much else.  But now I have the incredible honor, the joy, the remarkable beauty of getting to know this love.  Sometimes I feel that I might just disappear in it all.  It's hard to imagine that my feelings will grow and change.

For now, I am letting myself be in awe, allowing myself to revel in the small moments of watching her sleep, holding her little hands, smoothing her soft hair, kissing her sweet cheeks.

Sleep, baby, sleep.

Prayers for Uncle Rob

 We've just heard the amazing news that my uncle Rob has just gone in for a double lung transplant surgery this evening.  This is something we've been waiting and praying for for some time.

Right now I can't describe the love I have for Rob.  There are way too many other thoughts racing through my mind.   He was like a second Dad to us and has always been a great friend.  So all my love is headed to him now, and to Marianne, Kelsey and Nathan as we all wait for the surgery to be behind him.

And only a couple months (wow, exactly 2 months from the day from Cora's surgery!) after our Little Beanie's big day, it brings back so many of those feelings.  And I remember how on the morning of her surgery I was getting her ready and washing her chest when I felt suddenly at peace in a way I hadn't the day before, when we'd sent her off to the surgeon, only to have her procedure postponed.  In retrospect, it was as if there was a voice (You know who you are) that told me that she was in the very best hands, that all was as planned, and that she would be OK.  I've thought about that quite a bit in the past couple of weeks.

And now I ask for that yet again.  I pray that Rob be in the very best hands, that the surgery be swift and perfect, and that the recovery be complete.  I love you Uncle Rob.

Rolling Over!

This weekend has been fun so far.  We've hit food carts on two occasions already this weekend, and today's lunch at the carts on Division and 30-something was awesome.  Korean BBQ tacos and some jalapeno topped macaroni and cheese!  Yum!  Cora enjoyed being toted around in her car-seat and stroller as we hit a handful of yard sales.

And Little Cora Bean surprised us by FINALLY starting to roll over.  She's doing it from tummy to back, and only when she has enough energy.  I really wanted to get a better video of it, but this was the only one she let me get this morning, and she did it right away with no warm up.  But afterward she just decided to lay down during tummy time, so it was a no go.

Even so, I thought I'd post the evidence of her new skills.



She is also spending way more time being happy on her tummy, which is great. And she's using her hands like crazy. She loves to grab our noses and cheeks and faces, as well as her own face. She is playing with toys, reaching and overall just impressing us with her talents.

What a little lovie girl!

Cora Meets Kai

 The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind.

Miss Cora and I went to Victoria for Grandma Avelle's first funeral, along with a good portion of the family.  Although my family has the talent for having fun in almost any situation, it was very sad to say goodbye to a woman who has been so important in our lives.  I kept expecting her to just walk in the room.  Instead we told stories of her antics over the years.  Such a hilarious woman, such a loving woman.  I can't believe how much I miss her already.  It was fun to talk to my cousin Cara about her recent conversations with Grandma about little Cora.  She told me that they spent about half an hour talking about Cora, and laughing at her photos and our descriptions of her little personality.  I've been told many times how much she was looking forward to meeting her new great grand-daughter, as well as her new great grand-son (my nephew, Kai).  I guess now I am grateful that she gets to see us all from above and that she won't be missing out.  But I know that we will certainly be missing out.

Part of the time in Victoria was spent going through her apartment and sorting her things.  Toward the end of a long day, my aunts decided to pass on to me one of my grandmother's precious possessions:  a pair of sweet little baby shoes that she has lovingly saved since her last baby grew out of them almost 50 years ago.  Each of her children wore the shoes and she kept them polished and stowed safely away. 

And beautifully, they fit Cora's little feet.  What a precious gift.  I hope to be able to keep them in the family as long as she did.

The trip was not without its joys too.  I got to meet my nephew Kai for the first time.  He is older than Cora by 4 days.  Quite something that the first babies among my siblings decided to arrive in the same week.  And because my sister Erin lives all the way across the country in Vermont it's been difficult to arrange a visit before now.  We were (and still are) planning to go to Christina Lake, BC at the end of June/early July to celebrate my Grandma Avelle's 80th, so that would have been their first meeting.  Now the long weekend will be to celebrate her life. The cousins will get another chance to play.  It will be fun to see how different they'll be in a few short weeks.  Already the development is happening so quickly.

The little cousins had some fun together for sure.  Totally fascinated and interested in one another, they got to have their first swims, spend time together in the playpen and just hang out.  Kai was totally enamored of Cora, getting so excited about her that he'd start shaking.  So so sweet.  And both cousins were admired by the relatives.

Now we're getting ready to enjoy a weekend here in Portland.  Planning to hit some food carts, take some walks, and get in some good play time since Daddy is done with school for the quarter (woo hoo!)