Tuckered Out

Little girlie is taking an early nap, already tuckered out from the brief and mostly sedentary activities of the morning.

I should be logging into work for the first time in about two weeks, but instead I find myself wandering through the house feeling displaced.  Browsing online, I realize I'm just killing time, even though there is much to do.

I am more or less caught up on sleep, but I still have yet to get out of my pajamas today. I feel a bit empty and a bit sad.

Getting home from the hospital I thought we'd be on a steady climb back to normalcy, but it doesn't quite feel that way yet.  Cora is still grumpy and tired and weak.  She's refusing all but a couple of bites of solid food at a time, swallowing the first one or two and then whining and refusing to swallow.  I can't tell if her throat still hurts or if she's just not feeling that well.  She is nursing frequently, thank God.  I am so grateful that she is still nursing, or who knows how she'd be getting any food. 

But she is still very pale, with dark circles under her eyes.  Looking at her skinny little body, with her whittled down head and face upsets my stomach.  I guess I thought she'd be getting back to herself a little sooner. 

She'll still smile when something tickles her funny bone, but it's not her usual smile.  She whines and fusses after a minute or so if I'm not actively holding her.  And she's very attached to me right now.  Last night as Nick tried to snuggle her on his lap, she kept whining and reaching for me.  Not so good for Daddy's self-esteem, but I understand.  She's been hunkered down in my lap for going on three weeks now (other than when she was sedated in her hospital bed).  A week of a cold, and then going on two weeks since this whole surgery went amok, it feels like things will never get back to normal.

And I miss my happy, pink little girl with her infectious smiles and giggles.  I worry about all the time we're losing developing her motor skills, but I can't bring myself to force her to hang out on her tummy when she gets so tired and upset.  I just want to snuggle her and calm her and make her feel safe and secure.  I know that is what she needs right now, but I still worry, hoping that this period won't last much longer.

She's not on antibiotics now.  She was, but only prophylactically, since other than a day or so of fever, she hasn't shown sign of actual infection.  Obviously, chemical pneumonia caused by aspirating took a huge toll on her little body, and I imagine she is still recovering from the tonsillecty and adenoidectomy too.  But I'm ready for her to be healthy again.  Ready for our lives to contain more than mellow interactive activities interspersed between naps, much longer periods of television watching than usual, and attempts to get her to eat.

Sigh.  This whole ordeal just has me tired.  Hoping my baby girl is feeling better soon.

Since I'd rather not post pictures of my girl feeling the way she is at the moment, how about a photo flashback from a few months ago?  Here's happy little 9 month old Cora, having a blast with her Grandpa.  Love!