I think I may have, once or twice.
Things came to a bit of a desperate head a few days ago, and after much pleading, Nick finally agreed that we could officially start taking shifts with the Bean to at least try and get half-nights of individual uninterrupted sleep. So that was working well. After a couple days of OK sleep I finally got a good night of sleep (because I went to bed so dang early, I got almost 7 hours of sleep before going into be awakened frequently for the next 3-4 hours.) So yesterday I was feeling pretty darned good.
Then last night, I tucked myself in at the "late" hour of 9:30. And looked at the clock until at least 3:30. I tried reading. I tried breathing and meditation exercises. I even tried to count sheep. Why?! Why?! Then I settled in with Cora and actually slept, if you don't count all the wake-ups.
I know everyone deals with insomnia sometimes. Some people deal with it all the time. It's just that it seems that half my mental energy is directed at helping Cora to sleep better, so I feel so defeated when I can only blame my lack of sleep on me.
Not to say that I I'm never tempted to blame it on Cora. But really, how can I? She's 12 months old. On a good night she wakes up only 8-10 times. On a bad night it's more like 50 times. Sometimes I just lie awake listening to her try to breathe, but then her breath gets stuck and she gasps for air, waking herself up. The poor girl just needs to get some sleep. She needs to help that little developing brain out. But she can't, because a couple hours into her night, she just can't seem to stay asleep.
Do I sound a little manic? A little desperate? Actually, I feel a lot desperate.
One thing I've noticed about becoming a mother is that whatever crisis you're dealing with, it feels like an enormously huge thing. Like heart failure. Or open heart surgery. Or constipation. Or congestion. Or not sleeping. You'd think that heart surgery would trump not sleeping, but right now not sleeping feels almost as bad. Almost.
Well, now we're in full pursuit of some sleep help but there is a LONG wait to get in. Dang it! Why did I drag my feet about this for so long? Now we have to wait until mid March to see the sleep neurologist. We're seeing the ENT tomorrow, even though our pediatrician basically told us it would be a waste of time to do before seeing the neurologist. But oh well. We'll take what we can get.
OK, time to go get the little girl who just napped for a whopping 40 minutes. Here's hoping tonight's a better night.
And, for sticking it out through this whine session of mine, how about a cute picture of Miss Beanie to take our minds off it all?
|A bit blurry, but this shows how much she loves Baby Signing Time. I wonder... how bad would it be to play our 4 discs over and over today?|