Having Another Baby

If you've followed this blog for very long, you may remember the post I wrote almost a year ago about whether or not to have another baby.

At the time I was not at all ready to have another child, but I was feeling the pressure to make a decision, as Cora had just turned two.  I went back and forth over the pros and cons, questioned all my intentions and suppositions, and put all my worries out on the table.  And I got a lot of really wonderful responses to that post.

And what I realized is how very personal that decision is for each and every person.  I simply wasn't ready at the time.

Fast forward less than a year, and here we are, expecting our second child in early July.

I've had a few people ask for me to share my process in making that decision.  And I've had a couple of people express that they are worried for me, or that I must be so afraid. 

As for the process we went through in deciding to try again:  the simple truth is that we just felt ready.  Attribute it to getting slightly better sleep over the past few months, perhaps, or to Cora seeming less like a baby.  She must somehow know it's time to become a big girl.  Heck, a couple of weeks of after we learned about the pregnancy, she completely weaned and became a full-time walker.  Talk about making some big-girl strides. 

As for fear and worry, I think that many people assume that Cora having Down syndrome weighed heavily into our decision, but I'm not sure how much that is true.  Of course, she does have Down syndrome, and our lives are definitely affected by it.  Her delays do make her path through childhood and development different than may be typical, and we have long-term concerns for her that are more complicated than they may otherwise be.

But all in all, Down syndrome didn't factor in as much as you might think.  And the fear of Down syndrome certainly wasn't a big consideration.  Many people on the outside of the disability world seem to assume that Cora's diagnosis is a huge burden and something to be feared.  And depending on their situation and where they are on their emotional path, a lot of parents of kids with disabilities fear it, as well.

Statistically, once you have a child with Ds your risk of having a subsequent child with Ds goes up to 1:100, and can go up even more if you have other risk factors like advanced maternal age or being a balanced translocation carrier. There are no certain answers as to why the risk increases, just as there are no certain answers as to why Trisomy21 occurs in the first place.  Learning this when Cora was a newborn made us a little nervous at first. But very soon we began discussing how much we felt that Cora would benefit from having a sibling, and most of our thoughts on having another child have continued from that point of view.

I think the biggest challenge for us was making the decision to expand our family not solely because we felt it would likely benefit Cora, but because it was something we wanted as a family.  As I've said before, there are no guarantees when it comes to having children, so making a decision solely to "help Cora" wasn't convincing me.  There is no guarantee that another child will help her, just as there is no guarantee that any child will be healthy, or free of disability, or happy, or anything else.  That is simply part of being a parent... choosing to love something that is so much out of your control.

But that is a risk that we are willing to take at this point.  We do not fear having another child with Down syndrome.  As much as we know there would be some advantages to raising Cora with a typically-developing younger sibling, that is not really up to us.  We also know that there would be many advantages to raising Cora with a sibling with a disability or other health challenges.

I won't tell you that I wouldn't love to not have to worry about health issues, hospital stays or surgeries.  I would love for this baby to be healthy and not have to face life-threatening concerns.  A new pregnancy can definitely bring anxieties to the forefront, and for me most of those surround all the fear I felt after Cora was born until she had her heart surgery, and when there have been other health scares.  I am not particularly eager to relive those fears, not with Cora or with a new child.  But these are not the decisions that I get to make.  All I can do is trust and hope, and make whatever plans I make with that in mind.

Having a Baby to Benefit my Child with Down Syndrome?

The past few days I have been obsessing over the question of whether to try for another baby.  Stressing and obsessing, having dreams about taking pregnancy tests and going into labor.

I just don't know if I want to have another child.

While planning for children, I always said I wanted two, so my kids would have a sibling. My sisters are my closest friends and the sibling relationship is so important to me.  Yet, in the back of my mind I was thinking.... "Well, maybe one would be enough for me."

After Cora was born I thought that of course we'd want another child.  Everything I heard and read discussed how beneficial it can be for a child with developmental delays to have a sibling. 

We originally discussed starting to try when Cora turned two years old.  I mean, if we do have another child I don't want them to be too far apart, and I am not getting any younger.  Well, Cora just turned two.  And after searching myself up and down for the past few weeks, I think the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm just not ready.

There are so many reasons I don't feel ready.  Most of those reasons can be waved away by parents who've been there and for whom it's turned out just fine.  She's not sleeping well and never has.  We are exhausted.  She is still quite dependent on nursing and I don't want her to rush to wean.  She is so, so attached to me.  I love the one-on-one time I have with her, helping build her interactive and social skills and taking her to activities on a whim. I love having the freedom to just focus on her.

I know that having a second child could be a great thing for her.  I see photos of other children with their siblings and then I start waffling again.

But what if it's not a great thing for her?  What if we have another child with even more significant needs than Cora has had?  What if we have a child that doesn't interact with her or who interacts negatively?  Perhaps that's not likely, but it could still happen.  What if we choose to have another child solely for Cora's benefit and it doesn't end up benefiting her?

There is always a lot of talk on the Down syndrome boards about having another child after the birth of a child with Down syndrome.  For some it's whether and for others it's when.  Many fear having another child with Ds.  Some want the opportunity to have a typically-developing child or to help eclipse some of the pain surrounding their child's birth.  Many more want to provide their child with a sibling.    I can understand all these things.  Part of me would like the experience of parenting a typical child.  Part of me wants to have a baby at home and not have to send her off to the NICU and watch her have open heart surgery.  And part of me would even like to have another child with Ds.

In my heart, I think I would be sad if Cora never had a sibling, regardless of Down syndrome and whether it will be good for her social, cognitive and physical development. 

But I don't think that having another baby just for Cora is a good enough reason.  It's something that my husband and I need to want for ourselves and for the whole family.

So for now I'm putting it on the back burner.  I hope that in time I will know what I really want.  I don't expect all my doubts and concerns to disappear, but if we do decide to have another child, I want it to be because it's what we all want.