I feel so useless. Useless and exhausted and sad.
It seems like between me and Cora someone has been sick for most of 2013.
It's funny, since until she turned 2 she seemed to have a great little immune system. And my own previously poor immune system had been doing pretty well, holding up even in light of the stresses of the past couple of years. I guess I should have known. Sometimes my body has a sense that I don't always pick up on, staying strong through the hard stuff only to collapse when it's behind me.
But I guess two plus years of way too little sleep must have caught up with us.
After our shared cold last week I had a couple okay days and overdid it. Then came a bad cough. Again.
I'm spending my days in my pajamas, doing the bare minimum, feeling guilty for the hours that I leave the television on. Constantly imploring the universe to keep this crud from Cora's tiny lungs.
I hate the fear I feel every time I hear congestion in her upper airway, the small panic when I hear her cough, knowing that it doesn't take much to put her back in respiratory distress and back in the hospital. The hospital is not where we want to be. Especially after last month's visit ran about $25,000 and our out-of-pocket is high.
I've been beating myself up about my lack of inspired writing, or even inspired living. Tired of not being inspired. Tired of not having the energy to do good enough for Cora. Being in this depressed cycle, feeling sorry for myself even when I know things aren't really that bad sucks. But how I want to escape from the confines of my tiny house, to go and play in the sun (with plenty of sunscreen and wide-brim hats, of course.)
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that things start looking up, as I let my girlie entertain me and revel in the amazing things that she does. I'm hoping to get the perspective to allow me to start seeing the good a little more.
A glimpse of the goodness: Cora having a blast taking pictures, complete with pretend coughs. Yes, pretend play has taken some new forms over here.